WALK DON’T RUN: Following are seven Internet submissions on the topic The Importance of Walking.
– “Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.”
– “My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is.”
– “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– “The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”
– “I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.”
– “Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.”
– “If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.”
And you thought this blog wasn’t educational? Fooled ya!
TOO GOOD NOT TO BE TRUE: My favourite annual awards were handed out recently — no, not the Oscars, the Darwins — and in case you missed them, following is a short list of the winners.
For the uninitiated, let me explain: The Darwin Awards are bestowed to honour the least evolved among us.
THE WINNER!: When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Provo , Utah would-be robber Jason Ellison did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the top 9 runners-up.
HONOURABLE MENTION #1: The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
HONOURABLE MENTION #2. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
HONOURABLE MENTION #3: After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
HONOURABLE MENTION #4: A teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
HONOURABLE MENTION #5: A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
HONOURABLE MENTION #6: Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
HONOURABLE MENTION #7: As a female shopper exited a South Carolina convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
HONOURABLE MENTION #8: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast.. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
HONOURABLE MENTION #9: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on an Atlanta street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
REMEMBER: They walk among us, they vote, and they breed!!!